Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
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date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.