what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
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Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Anime is real
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Watermelon Boss!
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.