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ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
What if the weather talks about us?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.