PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
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what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.