Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
You Might Also Like
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real