I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
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Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.