[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
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A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high