Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
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me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind