I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
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the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed