Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
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When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much