My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
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Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.