My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
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Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If only
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!