INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
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My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
me opening up to someone
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”