Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
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whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.