Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
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When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Whoa 😂
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
eggs benadryl
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.