I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
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Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
*aggressively waits in line*
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Childbirth is so beautiful
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”