If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
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call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard