in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
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You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-