I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
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I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS