“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
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My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
it’s finally my moment to shine
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
12. I think about this all the damn time
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.