[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
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Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My kitchen overserved me.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass