me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
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Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
LOL
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get