Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I WON A HAM TODAY
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.