I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
You Might Also Like
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
This is enough internet for the day.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
The biggest mystery of our time
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.