Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously