hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
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Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion