hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
You Might Also Like
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Ironic
Said the murderer.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes