GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
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[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Lol.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.