Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
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[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Okey dokey.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.