Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
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I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
lost dog
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.