[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
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I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
He’s dead
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
There are usually two types of merchants.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.