I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
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HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?