me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
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never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?