Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
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When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Dude just wanted a popsicle…