KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
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Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?