I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.