If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
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*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”