hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.