I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail