[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
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Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
this is the best interaction on twitter
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.