6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
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When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Simple enough.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
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