HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
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Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.