[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
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Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Anyone want a chair?
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.