anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
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son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.