“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
You Might Also Like
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
They did not think through this water fountain
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint