my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
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I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*