JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
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I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Smooooooth
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper