Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.