You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
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Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Always 🥴
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?