me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
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decorating my apartment
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
accurate
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.